Halloween was less complicated when we were kids.
Most years we’d cut eye holes in an old sheet and go as ghosts. The science nerds were the ‘opposite of a black hole’.
But then the rich kids showed up in their fitted sheets and we had to go to Plan B.
Our best candy year was dressing as OSHA inspectors, seizing all the neighborhood candy for ‘health violations’.
For Catholics, November 1st is All Saints Day, and was a school holiday, confirming my faith in God… and allowing us to spend the day getting a head start on adult onset diabetes.
But I’m now reading about efforts to make trick or treating “easier and safer” for ‘kids today’ (shakes fist angrily!).
Safer? We were the ‘at-risk Halloween generation’:
One year my candy all had a razor blade inside – stil better than getting a Bit O Honey. A friend ate one and lost three teeth – but with my candy haul Dad removed electric shaver from his Christmas list;
Our old, mean neighbor – the one who shook his fist angrily whenever we walked by – gave candy apples covered with super glue;
One year we used our old pillow cases for our treats, and they all slipped out through the eye holes and we were left with nothing.
But perhaps the worst was the year we found chunks of Jimmy Hoffa in a popcorn ball.
It was anti-climactic being told we couldn’t eat our candy until it had been x-rayed; I felt terrible for the kids whose families didn’t have insurance.
Halloween got dramatically better when I took my children trick or treating.
Of course, there was the bonding experience of carving pumpkins together, helping them construct their costumes, and their excitement every time they received a treat, but there was nothing quite like “Trick or Beer”!
In today’s world of contradictions, parents are now trying to make a scary holiday not scary; and in the effort to make it safer, 1 in 2 costumes this year will be ‘child encased in bubble wrap’.
But I feel for today’s parents – in today’s “I’m frightened by your very existence” climate, every costume is a political statement or micro-aggression:
Skeleton costumes disrespect anorexia;
A witch costume conjures up support for the dark arts – – QAnon!
A clever dinosaur costume a thinly veiled climate change denial: I don’t care if we’re all going to be extinct!
And any gender-specific costume is a civil rights violation in the making.
I heard our neighbor rip a young girl in a cheerleader costume for “perpetuating a gender stereotype!”
Her brother was dressed as a cowboy, and accused of “glorifying the rape and disenfranchisement of the Indigenous peoples!”
The third member of the group, dressed as a stripper, never went to the door.
But perhaps the cleverest costumes were brothers – one dressed as a Ukrainian refugee, the other as Putin.
The first received half the family’s candy, warm clothing, and cash, the 2nd was pelted with the remaining candy, which they scooped up and ran.
So how to make trick or treating safer and easier?
Oregon tested government distribution: Permitting took over 3 years, the candies were renamed “Inflation Reduction Treats”, and after internal corruption the only remaining candy was Bit O Honey.
The USPS was tested, but mail delays made it “Veteran’s Day Trick or Treating”.
It was finally recommended the process be “door to door”, costumed kids walking and shouting “Treat!”, the “Trick” removed because of its domestic terrorism feel.
And to ensure parental involvement, “Trick or Beer” was made mandatory.
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TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:
Werewolves of London Warren Zevon
I saw werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand
Walking through the streets of SoHo in the rain
He was looking for the place called Lee Ho Fooks
For to get a big dish of beef chow mein
Ah-hoo, werewolves of London
Ah-hoo
Ah-hoo, werewolves of London
Ah-hoo
You hear him howling around your kitchen door
You better not let him in
Little old lady got mutilated late last night
Werewolves of London again
Ah-hoo, werewolves of London
Ah-hoo
Ah-hoo, werewolves of London
Ah-hoo, huh
He’s the hairy handed gent who ran amok in Kent
Lately he’s been overheard in Mayfair
You better stay away from him, he’ll rip your lungs out Jim
Huh, I’d like to meet his tailor
Ah-hoo, werewolves of London
Ah-hoo
Ah-hoo, werewolves of London
Ah-hoo
Well, I saw Lon Chaney walking with the Queen
Doin’ the werewolves of London
I saw Lon Chaney Jr. walking with the Queen, uh
Doin’ the werewolves of London
I saw a werewolf drinkin’ a piña colada at Trader Vic’s
His hair was perfect
Ah-hoo, werewolves of London
Hey draw blood
Ah-hoo, werewolves of London
Excitable Boy Warren Zevon
Well, he went down to dinner in his Sunday best
Excitable boy, they all said
And he rubbed the pot roast all over his chest
Excitable boy, they all said
He took in the four a.m. show at the Clark
Excitable boy, they all said
And he bit the usherette’s leg in the dark
Excitable boy, they all said
Well, he’s just an excitable boy
He took little Suzie to the Junior Prom
Excitable boy, they all said
And he raped her and killed her, then he took her home
Excitable boy, they all said
Well, he’s just an excitable boy
After ten long years they let him out of the home
Excitable boy, they all said
And he dug up her grave and built a cage with her bones
Excitable boy, they all said
Well, he’s just an excitable boy
Westfall Okkervil River
I’m surrounded, each doorway covered by at least twenty men.
And they’re going to take me and throw me in prison. I ain’t coming back again.
When I was younger, handsomer and stronger, I felt like I could do anything.
But all of these people making all these faces didn’t seem like my kith and kin.
Colin Kincaid from the twelfth grade, I guess you could say he was my best friend.
He lived in a big tall house out on Westfall where we would hide when the rain rolled in.
We went out one night and took a flashlight, out with these two girls Colin knew from Kenwood Christian. One was named Laurie, that’s what the story said next week in the Guardian.
And when I killed her it was so easy that I wanted to kill her again. I got down on both of my knees and….she ain’t coming back again.
Now, with all these cameras focused on my face, you’d think they could see it through my skin. They’re looking for evil, thinking they can trace it, but evil don’t look like anything.
Creep Radiohead
When you were here before
Couldn’t look you in the eye
You’re just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You’re so f*in’ special
But I’m a creep
I’m a weirdo
What the hell am I doin’ here?
I don’t belong here
I don’t care if it hurts
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I’m not around
So f*in’ special
I wish I was special
But I’m a creep
I’m a weirdo
What the hell am I doin’ here?
I don’t belong here
She’s running out the door (run)
She’s running out
She run, run, run, run
Run
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You’re so f*in’ special
I wish I was special
But I’m a creep
I’m a weirdo
What the hell am I doin’ here?
I don’t belong here
I don’t belong here
What Sarah Said Death Cab for Cutie
And it came to me then
That every plan
Is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes
In the ICU
That reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths
As I said to myself
That I’d already taken too much today
As each descending peak
On the LCD
Took you a little farther away from me
Away from me
Amongst the vending machines
And year old magazines
In a place where we only say goodbye
It sung like a violent wind
That our memories depend
On a faulty camera in our minds
And I knew that you were truth
I would rather lose
Than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around
At all the eyes on the ground
As the TV entertained itself
‘Cause there’s no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous paces bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round
And everyone lifts their heads
But I’m thinking of what Sarah said
That love is watching someone die
So who’s gonna watch you die
So who’s gonna watch you die
So who’s gonna watch you die
Trick Or Treat, Smell My feet Composed by the FDR Public Works Administration
Trick Or Treat
Smell My Feet
Give Me Something Good To Eat!
Ghosts And Bats Ghosts And Bats
Witches Too Witches Too
All Go Trick-or-treating
All Go Trick-or-treaing
They Scare You
They Scare You
Trick Or Treat
Smell My Feet
Give Me Something Good To Eat
Black Cat
Big Fat Bats Or
Chocolate Hats!
Trick Or Treat Trick Or Treat Trick Or Treat We Say!
Try To Get The Treats Before The Ghost Scares Us Away
Hey!
Trick Or Treat Trick Or Treat Trick Or Treat We Say!
If You Don’t Have Treats For Us We’ll Never Go Away!
I Want Something Stick And Sweet
Don’t Want A Trick Want Something To Eat
Wish Halloween Wasn’t Just One Night
Then We’d Have Candy All The Time
I Want Candy!
I Want Candy!
I Want Candy!