Have a miserable Columbus Day!
That captures the true spirit of this holiday, celebrating an explorer who turned out to be not who we thought he was.
Unfortunately, that might be the case for all our holidays. And everyone we’ve ever met.
But today is our day to ‘celebrate’ Christopher Columbus.
Who is credited with ‘discovering’ the New World, which would be sort of like ‘discovering’ a crowded restaurant.
But while exploring, he was apparently responsible for ‘enslavement and violent rule’ – oddly, my college major, the lab sessions quite interesting -and bringing a number of infectious diseases to the unsuspecting natives (much like a recent president with the summer intern community), wiping out entire island populations and causing a bellhop shortage at Caribbean Island hotels.
And those are the things his parents bragged on him for.
But if you want to ‘guilt manage’ your day as you enjoy your undeserved federal holiday, and wonder why the mail hasn’t arrived, make the day about Columbus, OH. The capital of OH10.
And wear your “No longer named for that Columbus guy” tee.
Or do a read of “Goodbye, Columbus”, followed by viewing the film, one of our family traditions.
And wear your “Philip Roth must have done something” tee.
I may read like a broken record on rethinking holidays, but it’s an ongoing practice.
Multiple holidays have been cancelled:
Broken Record Day – dropped, but replaced by Broken CD day in several states. This was a day where bloggers whined about rethinking holidays – how interesting is that?
National STD day – The Roaring ‘20s were fun, but they produced some serious fever blisters and lip sores, and this holiday was a way for Americans to normalize their pustules. But the parade floats were hard to look at, and Al Capone as the honoree…
Adolf Hitler Week – Sounds incredible now, but Mein Kampf was a smash hit on Broadway, the VW was affordable for the common man – even FDR drove a VW – and the bratwurst harvest was bountiful, so Hitler was someone everyone wanted at their parties. He was later undone by some mean tweets – and that ‘enslavement and violent rule’ thing.
Whatabout day – A day for everyone to defend their bad behavior with “Yeah, but what about…?” This is practiced by politicians of both stripes today – and bloggers: If you don’t like this post, whatabout that one? It’s terrible…
West of the Mississippi this is “I know you are, but what am I?” day.
Even Good Friday was repurposed as Spring Holiday – briefly – until we learned about the destruction of tornado season. Now it’s called ‘a Friday holiday in April, sometimes March’.
But we’re learning some unsettling things about April…
Once after being spanked and grounded for bad behavior – our family version of ‘enslavement and violent rule’ – my Mother reminded me that “Everybody’s got something they’re ashamed of.”
And advised “That’s why you shouldn’t ask a lot of questions at a family reunion.”
Someday all the statues will be removed, no holidays celebrated, and we won’t admit to having met anyone.
If Columbus arrived in modern times, he would check out world events and say “I’m home!”
And become a fashion ‘influencer’ for those bitchin’ doublets.
Meanwhile, we’ve set out to repurpose Columbus Day as Indigenous People’s Day – East of the Mississippi “We were here first Day” –but I fear it won’t end well.
The honorees have hundreds of years of history to dig through, so next year we’ll celebrate “That Monday holiday in October”.
Me? I planned to celebrate quietly and watch Netflix.
Until I read their privacy policy and tweets…
For 126 more posts like this –each with a bit of violent rule – go to beersatthenifty.com. Your phone will display every post, and you can waste an hour or two.
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Or just forward this to everyone you know. Forward it to those you aren’t fond of twice.
TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:
I Only haves eyes for you The Flamingos and Art Garfarkel
Readers – well, a reader – asked what our first dance choice was after “Watching the Detectives” was unavailable. This was it.
My Captor actually let me think WTD might be the song… she’s good to me that way.
My love must be a kind of blind love
I can’t see anyone but you
(Sha bop sha bop)
(Sha bop sha bop)
(Sha bop sha bop)
(Sha bop sha bop)
(Sha bop sha bop)
Are the stars out tonight (sha bop sha bop)
I don’t know if it’s cloudy or bright (sha bop sha bop)
I only have eyes for you dear
(Sha bop sha bop)
The moon may be high
(Sha bop sha bop)
But I can’t see (sha bop sha bop) a thing in the sky
I only have eyes for you
I don’t know if we’re in a garden
Or on a crowded avenue
(Sha bop sha bop)
You are here
(Sha bop sha bop)
And so am I
(Sha bop sha bop)
Maybe millions of people (sha bop sha bop) go by
But they all disappear from view
And I only have eyes for you
I Know you really love Me Danny O’Keefe
Andy came home late last night
And Flo was at the door
She told him where to put it
‘Cause she’d heard it all before
As Flo began to holler
Words I can’t repeat
Andy simply smiled and sang
In a voice so sweet:
When you whisper sweet nothings
It’s really not the same
But I know you really love me
When you call me dirty names
When you call me dirty names
Modern Jesus Portugal. The Man
Come on in take a seat next to me
You know we got
We got what you need
We may be liars preaching to choirs but we can
We can sell your dreams
You don’t need sympathy
They got a pill for everything
Just take that dark cloud
Ring it out to wash it down, but
Don’t pray for us
We don’t need no modern Jesus
To roll with us
The only rule we need is never
Giving up
The only faith we have is faith in us
We’re the ones who start little fires
Yet they burn out
But when they’re on the rise they can’t help but shine
And when the wave approaches Take our ashes to the ocean
Who cares if hell awaits?
We’re having drinks at heaven’s gate
Don’t pray for us
We don’t need no modern Jesus
To roll with us
The only rule we need is never
Giving up
The only faith we have is faith in us
We know that we’re helpless
At least we always assume
But we don’t need to prove nothing to you
Let’s keep the cool
You don’t need to feel blue
‘Cause we won’t sell you nothing
You can’t use
Don’t pray for us
We don’t need no modern Jesus
To roll with us
The only rule we need is never
Giving up
The only faith we have is faith in us
Hidden Shame Elvis Costello And beautifully covered by Johnny Cash
I’m sorry to say that you don’t know me
I’m sad in ways you never understood
Each time i try to tell the ugly truth
You always let it pass you by
You said i’d never tell you a lie
Just because I could
Did you really think i was a bad man?
You always said that that should be my middle name
But you don’t know the half of it
You don’t know how that name fits
You don’t know my hidden shame
[Chorus]
Hidden shame, shame, shame
That i can’t get free
From the blame and the torture
And the misery
Must it be my secret for eternity?
Till you know my hidden shame you really don’t know me
Well, there’s a different kind of prison
And it don’t even have to look much like a cell
It’s already on your mind
Boy, we can see it in your eyes
So, here’s the bars and walls as well
Well, you know i’m never coming home, babe
You said you’d stand by me until i cleared my name
Sure it’s easy to be strong
When you know the charge is wrong
But the days and weeks get long
When you’ve got a hidden shame
I had a friend when i was just a boy
We were like brothers, we would run and hide
And we went walking on a high hillside
And i really don’t how it happened
He turned to me and had this strange look in his eye
And not a single word was spoken
I must have pushed him, but i don’t remember why
And all at once, he lay there broken
And i walked down without him and i didn’t even sigh
They say you always hurt the one you love
And i’m not saying if i did or if i didn’t
But like my shame, that kind of love is always hidden
They locked me up here for the ideas in my head
They never got me for the thing i really did
Heroes Jill Sobule
Why are all our heroes so imperfect
Why do they always bring me down
Why are all our heroes so imperfect
The statue in the park has lost his crown
William Faulkner drunk and depressed
Dorothy Parker mean, drunk and depressed
And that guy in Seven Years in Tibet turned out to be a nazi
The founding fathers all had slaves, the explorers slaughtered the braves,
The Old Testament God can be so petty
Paul McCartney jealous of John, even more so now that he’s gone
Dylan was so mean to Donovan in that movie
Pablo Picasso cruel to his wives
My favorite poets took their own lives
Orson Welles peaked at 25, ballooned before our eyes
And he sold bad wine
Why are all our heroes so imperfect
Why do they always bring me down
Heard Babe Ruth was full of malice
Lewis Carroll I’m sure did Alice
Plato in the cave with those very young boys
T.S. Eliot hated Jews, FDR didn’t save the Jews
All the French joined the resistance after the war
Raymond Chandler drunk and depressed
Tennessee Williams drunk and depressed
I think I’ll just get drunk and depressed.
Thx