HAPPY BIRTHDAY ‘MERICA! - Beers at the Nifty

The American Experiment turns 246 this year, but doesn’t look a day over 230.

Save for the occasional Rhode Island arthritis and Kansas’ trick knee, the country remains in great shape.

But there is much debate over the true origins of the U.S.

While History wasn’t my strong suit in school – but better than Geography, those African countries need to make up their mind what they want to be called! – I studied how we became the ‘Cradle of Liberty’.

There are multiple ‘theories of origin’:

The 1619 Project is controversial, largely for its central assertion that the U.S. was never founded, because it was never losted.

The Big Brit Theory holds that a meteor struck the earth, separating the U.S. and England. Resultant supply chain issues caused naval cancellations, preventing the British from re-invading the U.S., and forcing them to forfeit their vacation deposits.

The noted historians Captain and Tenille have posited the U.S. and Canada were planning to jointly break from England in a dispute over a dinner check, but the alliance dissolved over the debate on how to pronounce ‘process’, and the Trudeau family’s creepy obsession with the Queen.

The Cliff Notes 1776 version labeled the Revolution “an obsessive quest to find the great white creature”, but I may have accidentally scanned the Moby Dick edition.

These versions of history are derided as wildly inaccurate by historians; The bad news is they are now being taught in schools, the good news kids don’t pay attention anyway.

Based upon my research, most of what we were taught about American Independence may be accurate. Or it could be ‘Fake-History’. Depends on which cable news you watch.

But the official Library of Congress version:

The trouble started over a woman –doesn’t it always – and escalated when the parties couldn’t agree on what to serve with breakfast: The Brits preferring marmalade, the Colonists were pro-jelly.

Throw money into the mix – King George welched on a bet over World Cup 1774, after a painful loss by England (starting a 300 year tradition), and then War! was declared. That was in 1775, it took a while for the news to spread.

The Americans won the war, largely because we had no army to defeat, it took the British like 6 months to get here, and hiding behind trees and shouting insults about the Queen made our enemy quit and go home.

The British version: The war ended because they had “better things to do”, they couldn’t stand banjo music, and decided to oppress the Irish instead.

We eventually declared our independence from the British on July 4, 1776, but weren’t fully free until 1796, when we finished paying off the mortgage they held.

It was a nasty breakup with petty recriminations on both sides:

The Americans trashed the language, switched to coffee, and sent prank telegrams to the British Prime Minister.

The British sold us Manhattan, and with it a whole bunch of New Yorkers, tacked e’s onto Y Old, and added Yoko Ono to the Beatles.

But with time, relations have improved.

The most significant olive branch occurred recently when the U.S. took Meghan Markle and Prince Harry off their hands.

So today we celebrate living in the greatest country in the history of the world, and I am reminded that the best part of international travel is returning home.

I know there are naysayers who think our experiment is ‘broken’ – insert screed here – but today I will tune all that out and celebrate all that the U.S. is and will become.

All countries have their problems, I just prefer our ability to deal with our problems.

Happy Independence Day!

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Ragged Old Flag Johnny Cash

I walked through a county courthouse square
On a park bench an old man was sitting there
I said, your old courthouse is kinda run down
He said, naw, it’ll do for our little town
I said, your old flagpole has leaned a little bit
And that’s a ragged old flag you got hanging on it

He said, have a seat, and I sat down
Is this the first time you’ve been to our little town?
I said, I think it is
He said, I don’t like to brag
But we’re kinda proud of that ragged old flag

You see, we got a little hole in that flag there when
Washington took it across the Delaware
And it got powder-burned the night Francis Scott Key
Sat watching it writing say can you see
And it got a bad rip in New Orleans
With Packingham and Jackson tuggin’ at its seams

And it almost fell at the Alamo
Beside the texas flag, but she waved on though
She got cut with a sword at Chancellorsville
And she got cut again at Shiloh Hill
There was Robert E. Lee, Beauregard, and Bragg
And the south wind blew hard on that ragged old flag

On Flanders field in World War one
She got a big hole from a Bertha gun
She turned blood red in World War Two
She hung limp and low a time or two
She was in Korea and Vietnam
She went where she was sent by Uncle Sam

She waved from our ships upon the Briny foam
And now they’ve about quit waving her back here at home
In her own good land here she’s been abused
She’s been burned, dishonored, denied, and refused

And the government for which she stands
Is scandalized throughout the land
And she’s getting threadbare and wearing thin
But she’s in good shape for the shape she’s in
‘Cause she’s been through the fire before
And I believe she can take a whole lot more

So we raise her up every morning
We take her down every night
We don’t let her touch the ground and we fold her up right
On second thought, I do like to brag
‘Cause I’m mighty proud of that ragged old flag

U.S. Blues Grateful Dead

Red and white, blue suede shoes, I’m Uncle Sam, how do you do?
Gimme five, I’m still alive, ain’t no luck, I learned to duck.
Check my pulse, it don’t change. Stay seventy-two come shine or rain.
Wave the flag, pop the bag, rock the boat, skin the goat.
Wave that flag, wave it wide and high.

Summertime done, come and gone, my, oh, my.
I’m Uncle Sam, that’s who I am; Been hidin’ out in a rock and roll band.
Shake the hand that shook the hand of P.T. Barnum and Charlie Chan.
Shine your shoes, light your fuse. Can you use them ol’ U.S. Blues?
I’ll drink your health, share your wealth, run your life, steal your wife.
Wave that flag, wave it wide and high.

Summertime done, come and gone, my, oh, my.
Back to back chicken shack. Son of a gun, better change your act.
We’re all confused, what’s to lose?
You can call this all the United States Blues.
Wave that flag, wave it wide and high.
Summertime done, come and gone, my, oh, my.

Your Flag Decal won’t gey you into heaven anymore John Prine

While digesting Reader’s Digest
In the back of a dirty book store,
A plastic flag, with gum on the back,
Fell out on the floor.
Well, I picked it up and I ran outside
Slapped it on my window shield,
And if I could see old Betsy Ross
I’d tell her how good I feel.

But your flag decal won’t get you
Into Heaven any more.
They’re already overcrowded
From your dirty little war.
Now Jesus don’t like killin’
No matter what the reason’s for,
And your flag decal won’t get you
Into Heaven any more.

Well, I went to the bank this morning
And the cashier he said to me,
“If you join the Christmas club
We’ll give you ten of them flags for free.”
Well, I didn’t mess around a bit
I took him up on what he said.
And I stuck them stickers all over my car
And one on my wife’s forehead.

Well, I got my window shield so filled
With flags I couldn’t see.
So, I ran the car upside a curb
And right into a tree.
By the time they got a doctor down
I was already dead.
And I’ll never understand why the man
Standing in the Pearly Gates said…

“But your flag decal won’t get you
Into Heaven any more.
We’re already overcrowded
From your dirty little war.
Now Jesus don’t like killin’
No matter what the reason’s for,
And your flag decal won’t get you
Into Heaven any more.”

This Ain’t No rag it’s a flag Charlie Daniels

This ain’t no rag, it’s a flag
And we don’t wear it on our heads
It’s a symbol of the land where the good guys live
Are you listening to what I said
You’re a coward and a fool
And you broke all of the rules
And you wounded our American pride
And now we’re coming with a gun
And we know you’re gonna run
But you can’t find no place to hide
We’re gonna hunt you down like a mad dog hound
Make you pay for the lives you stole
We’re all through talking and a messing around
And now it’s time to rock and roll

These colors don’t run and we’re speaking as one
When we say united we stand
When you mess with one, you mess with us all
Every boy, girl, woman and man
You’ve been acting mighty rash
And talking that trash
Let me give you some advice
You can crawl back in your hole
Like a dirty little mole
But now it’s time to pay the price
You might of shot us in the back
Now you have to face the fact
That the big boys’ in the game
And the thunder’s been crashing
And the lightning’s been flashing
And now it’s getting ready to rain

This is the United States of America
The land of the brave and the free
We believe in God and we believe in justice
We believe in liberty
You’ve been pulling our chain
We should’ve done something ’bout you a long time ago
But now the flag’s flying high and the fur’s gonna fly
And soon the whole world’s gonna know

This ain’t no rag, it’s a flag
Old Glory red, white and blue
The stars and the stripes when it comes to a fight
We can do what we have to do
Our people stand proud
The American crowd is faithful, and loyal and tough
We’re good as the best and better than the rest
And you’re gonna find out soon enough
When you look up in the sky
And you see the eagle fly
You better know he’s a heading your way
‘Cause this ain’t no rag it’s a flag
And it stands for the USA
USA

You’re a Grand Old Flag George M. Cohan

… There’s a feeling comes a-stealing
And it sets my brain a-reeling
When I’m list’ning to the music of a military band
Any tune like “Yankee Doodle”
Simply sets me off my noodle
It’s that patriotic something
That no one can understand
“Way down South in the land of cotton”
Melody untiring
Ain’t that inspiring!
Hurrah! Hurrah! We’ll join the jubilee
And that’s going some
For the Yankees, by gum!
Red, white and blue
I am for you
Honest, you’re a grand old flag

… You’re a grand old flag
You’re a high-flying flag
And forever in peace may you wave
You’re the emblem of
The land I love
The home of the free and the brave
Ev’ry heart beats true
Under red, white and blue
Where there’s never a boast or brag
But should old acquaintance be forgot
Keep your eye on the grand old flag

… I’m a cranky hanky panky
I’m a dead square honest Yankee
And I’m mighty proud of that old flag
That flies for Uncle Sam
Though I don’t believe in raving
Ev’ry time I see it waving
There’s a chill runs up my back
That makes me glad I’m what I am
Here’s a land with a million soldiers
That’s if we should need ’em
We’ll fight for freedom!
Hurrah! Hurrah! For ev’ry Yankee tar
And old G.A.R.
Ev’ry stripe, ev’ry star
Red, white and blue
Hats off to you
Honest, you’re a grand old flag

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