DON’T MIND IF I DON’T!

When My Captor told me about Dry January and its many benefits, I was in.

Way in. Who wouldn’t want better sleep, clearer thinking, and more hair?

Though once she explained Dry January meant no drinking – and not drought conditions in the Pacific Northwest – I began having second thoughts.

My primary concern My Captor wouldn’t find me as interesting – or interesting at all.

 Or I might not find myself interesting – who wants to avoid themselves at parties?

And while I don’t have all that many friends, this couldn’t help my social life – and bowling league sign-ups had passed.

Finally, after extensive multi-decade research, I’ve determined that drinking is more fun than not drinking.

One of the reasons I’ve remained Catholic – we even have wine at Mass.                                                                                                                                        

So, before I committed, I did some research.

One group was promoting Damp January, which allowed drinking, but not on Monday and Tuesday mornings. A gentle easing, as it were.

I also read about ‘Mindful Drinking’, described as a ‘mindset’: Before you have that drink, ask yourself “Do I really need this drink?”, and “Will it lead to negative outcomes?”

Which left me confused, because I usually talk to myself after I’ve been drinking, and negative outcomes have a ‘fun’ descriptor: The Oh Nos! – as in “Oh no, I did what?”

And if 83% of Americans ‘drink to forget’, mindful drinking sort of defeats the purpose.

My research also uncovered the many benefits of drinking:

Unlike smoking, it won’t stain your teeth -but avoid red wine.

All your unpleasant memories – gone in an epic Saturday night!

IPAs may taste bitter, but still better than mead.

Drinking to forget easier than joining the French Foreign Legion.

But if 77% of statistics are made up on the spot, then 53% of Americans are attempting a Dry January, and the repeat rate is 47.2% – confirming they thought it was a good idea – but Americans make return trips to Disney World, so there’s that.   

My final concern about drying out was my Covid-couch experience, when I drank whenever I wanted, whatever I wanted, knowing that sweatpants were very ‘girth forgiving’ and timely fashion at the time.

Though later I got some horrified looks during bathing suit season.

But once My Captor handed me my bitchin’ “Don’t Mind if I Don’t!” t-shirt, I knew it was time to dry out.

But first there were terms to negotiate:

New Year’s Day didn’t count – which meant getting up early to ‘beer load’ for the month;

No beers at home, but OK to have a draft beer if we went out to eat;

We agreed to a couple of friend meets for dinner – though I fought hard for nightly, and Thursday lunch;

Holidays were exempt – but I was unsuccessful including the 14 foreign holidays I discovered – but who knew MLK used to funnel beers? What a beautiful commemoration!   

Finally, I agreed to My Captor’s request/order to “Quit whining and get on with it! This will be good for you!”

Which we have, and it was.

As with any self-improvement resolution, it helps to have a mentor, and My Captor has been that and more: Preparing healthy meals, urging a quick stroll before dinner, when it might have been ‘5 o’clock somewhere’, and disposing of all the beer in a 3-state radius.

And I’ve slept better, am thinking more clearly – at least I think I am – and look better in my sweat- pants.

But the other day My Captor asked a jarring question: “Have you ever thought about quitting drinking?”

I’m now researching ‘Mindful Dystopia’…

For 212 more posts like this –each with a mindful wish for a draft beer– go to beersatthenifty.com. Your phone will display every post, and you can waste an hour or two.

Or send me an email to the site, and I’ll add you to my Sunday distribution.

And I’m now on Substack at justluckytobehere.substack.com. Same stuff, but a different location.

TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:

Deer Tick is a great alternative band – perhaps the top Providence RI band – ’04-’23, with a new release last year. I’ve added ‘Houston, TX’, ‘Dirty Dishes’ to the Beers at the Nifty playlist – and the February 1^st anthem ‘Let’s All Go to the Bar’.