Living at the beach, it’s important to have a good liquor store and an even better dermatologist.
An annual beach ritual is a dermatologist ‘burning stuff off your head’, which is when the liquor store comes in handy.
And while the sun has lots of good qualities, apparently it can be harmful – your Mother was right.
Wearing a hat and sunscreening up are critical, but there’s nothing I can do about those childhood summers when we believed suntan lotion was a sign of weakness – “SPF minus seven should work” – or used baby oil to “tan/sunstroke even faster”.
Unfortunately, while the agent orange was being deployed to ‘burn stuff off’, the dermatologist spotted something odd on my head – even odder than what’s usually there – and biopsied it.
It came back as a carcinoma, a cancer in the epithileal tissue, which I thought I’d had removed with my tonsils, but no.
They recommended Mohs surgery, which is surgical surgery, minimizing cutting. Had it been larger, an exorcist was on duty.
I considered removing it myself, but the at-home kit instructions were confusing, and I’m not very handy.
And I had self-performed my vasectomy after our 4th child, so it clearly didn’t work – I trust My Captor – requiring me to ask our veterinarian neighbor to do a touch-up. Which went fine, the hardest part boiling the garden shears to ensure they were sanitary.
I scheduled it at a ‘full service’ plastic surgery center, that’d also do an oil change during my procedure.
I wasn’t overly concerned, because I’ve had multiple surgeries and cancers, which is the trade-off for not being dead, I guess.
And they said I could drive home, which isn’t always a given when I’m out of the house alone.
I was less concerned given my Father’s cancer history – he had virtually every known cancer, some twice – even two they’d never seen before, which are now named for him.
And he survived them for decades, which I believe was a testament to his optimistic attitude.
I scheduled the procedure for July 6th, which is the day I schedule all my surgeries, for ease of remembering.
And some great themed anniversary parties: Next year being the 30th anniversary of my vasectomy and the 60th of my tonsil removal, we’re planning a “Tribute to Internal Organs” parade.
And besides, everyone gets cancer – hell, probably half the people reading this already have it and don’t know. I might even have it again.
But cancer has a terrible reputation – almost like the Hitler of diseases – but being made ‘cool’ with marketing:
The AI version of John Wayne making a ‘buddy movie’ with The Big C – “He beat The Big C and now they’re fighting crime together!”
Introducing a line of aromatic cancers: Strawberry Passion Pancreatic, La-La Lemonade Lung, and Melanoma Margarita.
A documentary featuring all the cancer victims we never liked, “Cancer: Serving mankind, weeding out the unloved”.
The day of the procedure, I met my plastic surgeon – he actually seemed quite genuine – who was very capable, only having to consult the ‘Surgery Guidebook’ twice.
And I was lucky enough to receive a 20% discount because his license had been revoked – fortunately, not for another week.
The procedure was quick and painless, the recovery a breeze, and the liquor store was on my way home.
But I was again reminded how important early detection is, as well as a positive attitude.
Even though my carcinoma wasn’t life threatening, it was ‘Life appreciating’: If you take any of this for granted, you ain’t paying attention.
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TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS (FIND YOUR OWN DAMN LYRICS!):
Today’s featured artist is Joe Jackson, one of the ‘Angry Young Men’ from the New Wave movement in the ‘80s.
The featured song is Cancer, which contains the lyric “Everything Gives you cancer”, which might be true. Many classic albums, including: “Look Sharp”, “I’m The Man”, “Night and Day” and “Jumpin’ Jive”, the latter a tribute to Jive Music. He even did the soundtrack to “Tucker: The Man and his Dream”, an excellent 1988 film directed by Francis Ford Coppola, starring Jeff Bridges.
Funny