I still miss the spit sink.
But my recent trip to the Dentist allowed me to admire all the new technology: miniature jackhammer, sleek new X-Ray machine – I passed on the protective bib and signed the release, we have all the kids we need – and the Give-A-Show sunglasses with soothing visuals of tropical locations.
Unfortunately, my visit off to a rocky start: the hygienist muttering my last visit was 3 years ago – I knew it had only been 34 months – but her guessing correctly there was an extensive cleaning job ahead.
I have to admit she did a very thorough job, the mini jackhammer even dislodging a stray piece of corned beef trapped since St. Patrick’s Day.
Better yet, she didn’t leave a boot print on my chest, like the last hygienist.
I’m not a-frightened of modern dentistry, but no one looks forward to a trip to the dentist – though it does rank ahead of flying cross country in seat 39B, having your wisdom teeth reinserted, or visiting Fort Frederica – with much of that trepidation tracing to my childhood.
Back in the day, before the Commies successfully smuggled fluoride into the food and water supply, then held Arthur Crest as a political prisoner until he added it to toothpaste – it was typical to hear the dentist tell Mom “Jimmy’s only got 14 cavities this visit – that’s 2 better than last time” – and then leave briefly to call his real estate agent to go ahead and put down the deposit on the lake house.
Filling the cavities quite painful – our dental insurance didn’t cover Novocain – so much that The Nuns incorporated into their discipline techniques.
And growing up, I wanted to be a fireman, policeman, sex worker – anything but a dentist, no one I knew wanted to be a dentist -except that kid on the Rudolph Christmas special, and he was a fictional character.
The same with Kids Today (Shakes fist angrily!), who aspire to be personal injury attorneys, victimized, or outside agitators.
And thanks to Tik Tok, 80+% of teens in some form of viral sex work.
Sadly, surveys say that dentists are not a happy lot, with the highest suicide rate of any group of professionals.
Apparently, the dual stress of torturing patients and managing a business a challenge.
I tried to ask the dentist about his happiness level, but with his hand in my mouth it was tough to find out much more than how my lungs felt.
But that made me wonder about what future dentists must be like as kids:
Total neat freaks? OCD? The office incredibly sanitary – was he the kid who kept shining his badge when playing cops and robbers? Made sure the tree house was vacuumed? Nearly fainted when reading Peanuts and PigPen appeared?
Indifferent listeners? They clearly don’t care about your answers to their semi-complicated questions: What stocks are you investing in? Which Beatle was your favorite? Why do you think dentists are so morose?
But I did enjoy the Jeopardy: Dentists Tournament, where Ken Jennings posed every answer with his hand in his mouth…
The visit went fine – I even allowed them to schedule my next visit for a year from now – rescheduling dental visits a hobby of mine – so I’ve got 2 more years to actually show up.
Though the ‘went fine’ turned into “They got the last laugh” when he pointed to a dark spot on my X-Ray, said I needed a root canal, and introduced me to the endodontist, who I swear I later heard talking to his real estate agent…
For 228 more posts like this –each with a wish for a hint on where your molars are– go to beersatthenifty.com. Your phone will display every post, and you can waste an hour or two.
Or send me an email to the site, and I’ll add you to my Sunday distribution.
And I’m now on Substack at justluckytobehere.substack.com. Same stuff, but a different location.
ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING ‘AGING HIPSTER MUSIC’:
Jessica Pratt’s style is ‘hypnogogic’, you can decide for yourself what that means by checking it out. But interesting stuff. Her new album is ‘Here in the Pitch’ and quite good. I’ve added ‘Life Is’ ‘On your own love again’ ‘Opening Night’ ‘World on a string’ to the BATN playlist.
Funny.