CONSPIRACY THEORIES

Patrick Mahomes killed Paul McCartney!

And the Chiefs will win tonight’s Super Bowl 23-20. On a questionable call, or two, late in the game.

Maybe even after the game has ended – the refs might just call everyone back on the field for a … a um,  shot clock violation … yeah that’s it, a shot clock violation. Or a double unnecessary Patrick roughness.

At least that’s what I read on the internet.

Conspiracy theorists are all over the Chiefs and the way NFL refs handle their games.

The reasoning they don’t get every call, but they get the ones that really matter.

And they win every one score game as a result – 16 in a row, a record.

I’m from Nebraska, with Iowa the center of ‘Fly-Over’ country, but Missoora close enough for relative obscurity. 

As the theory goes, no ones ever been to Missoora, so the Chiefs winning it every year won’t offend anyone, which is why the NFL forced Brady to retire – New England too polarizing.

And the BBQ is pork – the best. Not a conspiracy theory.

Throw in Travis – who is TV and podcast ubiquitous – and Taylor, and associated conspiracy theories abound:

Their relationship a charade designed to take her concert revenue above $2 billion – oh, and Michele Obama is a man;

The game isn’t really in New Orleans – it’s being run in the same studio where they staged the moon landing;

The Chiefs are just really good in one score games.

My original conspiracy theory experience “Paul is dead”, proven by clues on album covers: Paul walking out of step, facing backward, and facing forward. I can still remember listening to ‘Number 9’ backward in a college dorm room, and hearing screams from his ‘fatal accident’. Why I was backward I don’t recall…

And years later when I saw him live, he seemed kind of waxy, so perhaps the ‘Yoko took his place’ theory was accurate.

But the NFL gives these theories juice, by being the most important organization on earth – there’s a reason even Trump and Elon aren’t messing with them, spending their time instead dealing with the reptilians who’ve been running the country (Conspiracy theory #107).

The NFL even powerful enough to suppress the “Mahomes on the Grassy Knoll” theory, claiming he wasn’t born yet, but denying the time travel/reincarnation angle.

But this is one of the biggest days of the year- sporting or otherwise – as Americans will gather at parties to choke down 1.5 billion wings, 50 million cases of beer, and 12 million pizzas, 8 with anchovies.

While eating and occasionally glancing at the game – knowing the Chiefs will win reduces the suspense – prop bets a major activity.  

These are random, one-off bets on game happenings, such as will the ref screw up the coin toss, and include:

Will Travis propose to Taylor at half time?

Over/under of Eagles fans arrested for loud obnoxious intoxication: 35,454.

Will the soon to be released JFK assassination papers implicate Patrick Mahomes.

And my favorite: Will I eat more wings from the WinnDixie wing bar before being chased away by the store manager, or from the bucket I buy?

But there’s one event even the NFL can’t stop:

On Monday or Tuesday, Beers at the Nifty: 2024 will be available on Amazon.com, for only $12.95! Every BATN post from last year in one handy spot – – which is true, not a conspiracy theory. Get yours today.

Your mission: Buy multiple copies, one for everyone you know and love, and leave a 5-star review.

Or you might be followed by the NJ drones…

For 276 more posts like this –each with a wish for a shorter halftime– go to beersatthenifty.com. Your phone will display every post, and you can waste an hour or two.

ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING ‘AGING HIPSTER MUSIC’:

Matt Pond PA is a fave rave, with a new album out, which is quite good. I’ve saved a number of songs to the BATN playlist: ‘The Ballad of Natural Lines’ ‘Goldie’ ‘Connecticut’ ‘Closest (Look Out)’ ‘New Hampshire’ ‘The Crush’ ‘Halloween’ ‘It is safe’ ‘Emblems’.