CHURCH

My Captor and I recently attended our grandson Hugh’s baptism.

As far as religious rites go, it’s one of my favorites: like marriage, it conveys optimism for the future.

In a weird way, a funeral does the same – the ‘dearly departed’ entering a blissful utopia for eternity – which is apparently a really long time – if the deceased is Christian and lived a redeemable life.

Each rite leads to a decent meal and a party of varying intensity, so maybe they were concocted by a cleric who was trying to “get out more”.

I also enjoy the Catholic confirmation rite – ‘confirming your connection to the Church’ upon attaining the ‘age of reason’ – which I didn’t attain until my mid-50s, but standards were lower then.

And a confirmation allows me to sing the ‘Confirmation song’: “Soldier of Christ, Carries no gun.”   

During the recent ceremony, I looked back on my own baptism, but didn’t remember much. I do recall pictures of the event, which were b/w and very grainy – impossible to make anyone out– so Me Mother used those as “pictures of your big day” for each of our Baptisms.

The ceremony was Episcopalian, a church described as a mix of Catholic and Protestant, so maybe they’re trying to maximize attendance.

The Episcopalian church was formed from the teams that were left out of the AFL-NFL merger, or perhaps by the group that kidnapped Patty Hearst. Or maybe a result of ‘Long Covid’ – everything else is.

And while they’re self-described as ‘Catholic-lite’, I noticed key differences:

People were dressed up, reminding me of an office back in the ‘80s. Catholics don’t really have a ‘dress code’, which is odd for a group that dictated all the other elements of our behavior.

I’m of the “What’s the point”? dress camp – I don’t believe God is into fashion or cares what we wear. If you’ve ever been on the beach and seen a thong worn by the ‘wrong’ – or even by the ‘right’ – woman, you’ll know God doesn’t intervene in fashion.

The biggest difference: There were women officiating the ceremony, which each time I experience I find logical, and enriching. I doubt the Catholic church will ever go there, since it took nuking the filibuster just to approve female altar servers.

Another noticeable difference was no one apologizing for anything, no fear in the air.

As Catholics, our ceremonies include a lot of ‘forgive me-ing’; we have Reconciliation (nee Confession) so we can apologize again in our free time; and we spend Lent contemplating what Jesus went through because “we are horrible sinners – just the worst!”

 Perhaps it’s just me, but we Catholics were always on our back foot, fearful and apologizing. We were even forced to kneel so we could experience periodic discomfort.

And we had a lot of ‘rules’ (sin opportunities), which we treated like Americans treat speed limits – how can I get around this one? We had to attend church weekly, but leaving after Communion was our ‘8 miles over’…

While I enjoyed Hugh’s big day and an hour spent contemplating how we “get closer to Jesus”, like so many ‘reformed Catholics’ I’m not much of a church goer, deferring instead to “I’m trying to live a Christ-like life”, or for others, a “spiritual life”.  

Maybe it’s as simple as appreciating all we’ve been given: With sunrise now just after 7, early beach walkers are presented a daily sunrise as a reminder of the “wonder of it all”.

And then going through life being nice to others.

The rest will take care of itself.

For 150 more posts like this –each with a wish for a spiritual existence – go to beersatthenifty.com. Your phone will display every post, and you can waste an hour or two.

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TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENTOF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE SONGS OF ELVIS COSTELLO

Though the Grammys are essentially a tribute to music that should remain tribute-less, Elvis Costello’s most recent album “A Boy named If” has been nominated for best rock album of ’22. It appears as if he and the Imposters will perform during Sunday’s ceremony.

This is his 16^th nomination, with 2 wins: In 1999, Best Collaboration with vocals for I Still Have That other Girl, with Burt Bacharach (If you’ve never heard “Painted From Memory”, today is a good day to correct that oversight); and in 2020 for “Look Now”, a really fine album, with contributions from Bacharach.

Typical Grammys: Elvis was first nominated for ‘Best New Artist’ in 1979, despite his debut in 1977. Also nominated were the Cars, who had formed in 1976. The winner was A Taste of Honey, for the classic “Boogie Oogie Oogie”. And yes, disco was the ultimate form of tribute-less deserving music ever.

In defense of the Grammys, check out the Joe Strummer tribute from 2002, when Elvis, Bruce, Dave Grohl, Little Steven and Pete Thomas covered London Calling. Which should prompt you to check out the Clash catalog (they actually recorded more than ‘Rock the Casbah’ – check out Hitsville UK and This is Radio Clash to start), Strummer with the Mescaleros, and Big Audio Dynamite, Mick Jones’ post-Clash project.

Church Underground   Elvis Costello

She stood spotlit in a plain print dress
Came howling out of the wilderness
There beat a cunning and murderous heart
Beneath that calm exterior

“You know my name
You don’t know my mind
Don’t doubt my eyes
They betray the past
And I’ve already forgotten
Much more than you will ever know”

And every word that I have spoken is true
Except for those that were broken in two

I’m trying to make peace after a long night of pretend
I need a pawnbroker or moneylender

Why do you do me down, Mister?
Sing “Hallelujah, ” Sister
Turn up the volume, just to turn it down
The trivial secrets buried with profound
It’s enough to put a church underground
It’s enough to put a church underground

Deflowered young and then ever since
She’s tried to wash off his fingerprints
So every charlatan and prince
Was made to feel inferior

She worked for tips in a ten-cent dance
Said moving pictures might pay perchance
Ten thousand one-way tickets to the sparkling coast
From the blank interior

Everybody’s either talking in code
Or getting ready to explode

Then she was singing with five-piece band
But seems that no-one wants this sound

Why do you do me down, Mister?
Sing “Hallelujah, ” Sister
Turn up the volume, just to turn it down
The trivial secrets buried with profound
It’s enough to put a church underground
It’s enough to put a church underground

The shaft of fanlight streaked with rain
Poured through the glass, punched through the pain
A holy picture hidden in the midden of that poisoned stitch
Her lonely voice was just a ruin in these riches

She must have been dreaming this all along
Could she be redeeming herself in song?
“I’m no-one’s martyred, plaster saint
Below the grease, beneath the paint”

I’m rolling like barrel
Swinging like a gallows
I’m rising up fast like all hell and all hallows

Why do you do me down, Mister?
Sing “Hallelujah, ” Sister
I’ll be damned or purgatory bound
Before those jokers ever understand
It’s enough to put a church underground
It’s enough to put a church underground
It’s enough to put a church underground