Has delivering a baby changed?
All I read says no, despite DOGE attempting to streamline the process, but everything else about baby delivery has…
Back in the day, having a baby was simple and low-tech.
My grandmother delivered my 14-pound father at 7A, and prepared lunch for their boarders by noon. And we heard about women dropping kids ‘in the fields’, during crop harvesting season, which was early multi-tasking.
Our childbirth experience only slightly more polished.
It began with a few Budweisers, your basic fertility drug.
My Captor carried each of our children – God did the division of labor labor correctly – and after heading to the hospital, watching multiple movies or baseball games – until the TV stopped airing (kids, ask your parents), they eventually arrived.
I know I’m understating the ‘degree of difficulty’, but monitoring My Captor’s breathing and contractions was hard work.
Our sole advantage vs. today’s hospital stays The Steak Dinner – in the hospital long enough for a meal…
And our high-tech delivery innovation forceps.
Eventually, we headed home, the baby in their car seat facing forward! We later accepted a plea deal to avoid jail time.
Our baby monitor a trip up the stairs to listen at their door.
And soon the kids were heading off to college.
Our daughters a bit more advanced.
Checking into a ‘birthing room’, with their choice of movies and/or music – maybe a massage or relaxing foot rub.
No need to monitor breathing and contractions, because of the soothing epidural she’d received.
After baby delivery, on the way home, the newborn placed facing backward in a car seat, later inserted into a stroller – aerodynamically designed for baby-included exercise.
The baby monitor hi-def, with surround sound.
But things way different now.
Top of mind, because we were staying with friends so My Captor could attend the baby shower honoring their soon to deliver daughter.
I’m sure French wine or top shelf margaritas the new ‘fertility drug’.
Once pregnant, off for the now customary Baby Moon, an upgrade from our afternoon at 6 Flags, riding ‘labor inducing’ roller coasters.
Given the incredible bachelorette parties now being thrown – is Paris the next location? And is one enough? incredible Baby Moons not a surprise, the ‘Mars Special’ a soon to be favorite.
Upon hospital arrival, time for the His and Hers epidurals, with soothing lighting in the birthing room.
At 10, the doula delivers a ‘baby chant’ and little Atticus or Luna arrives.
The ‘education consultant’ arrives next to help with the private school applications.
Then headed for home – the night nurse on call for those tough 3A feedings.
And the baby monitor performing full body scans on the newborn.
But based upon the description of the shower, gift technology the most accelerated.
Diapers that ‘hide wetness’, so the baby doesn’t awake at 3A.
The swaddle that turns into a sleep sack, plays music, and then into a tutoring guide.
The newborn night stocking, which fights cradle cap and teaches the baby French.
‘Sensory’ gifts, with adorable outfits, low stress booties, and a 2nd night nurse to give the baby 4A foot rubs.
Foursie outfits, a big upgrade from our onesies.
An improved version of ‘Rock and Play Sleeper’, where the baby survives.
And perhaps the oddest, a device to tell you “When the Bath Temp is perfect”, which I guess is an upgrade from your hand.
But maybe things haven’t changed all that much.
I share our ‘labor guide’ which describes what happens at each stage of labor – received in 1980! -with expecting parents, and oddly, it still works.
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!
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For 290 more posts like this –each with a wish for faster deliveries– go to beersatthenifty.com. Your phone will display every post, and you can waste an hour or two.
ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING ‘AGING HIPSTER MUSIC’:
Jill Sobule died this week, in a house fire. A close friend gave me ’Pink Pearl’ her 2000 CD which was on my IPOD (kids, ask your parents), and a great song collection. Her big hit was ‘I kissed a girl’ – apparently not the same as Katy Perry’s release of the same name, and ‘Supermodel’ was a big part of the Clueless soundtrack. Those songs have been added to the BATN playlist, along with ‘Rock Me to Sleep’ and ‘Heroes’. The latter is a hilarious commentary on revisionist history.