AT THE HOP

The world is a confusing place.

I’m most confused when confronted by popular culture, social media, or the currency exchange rate.

Or when trying to understand My Captor, and women in general – why don’t they act more like men, God’s simpler version of women?

Oh, and anything that doesn’t come with closed captioning – I haven’t understood a public conversation in decades – I’ve refined ‘nodding knowingly’ into an art form.

Unfortunately, I’m equally good at ‘laughing at the wrong time’.

The exchange rate thing has never clicked, even though I’m pretty ‘mathy’. But I made a fortune in Euros, when the conversion rate was really high. Or was it really low? Unfortunately, the Winn Dixie won’t take them, so their conversion rate to pork rinds is zero.

Social media seems like a colossal waste of time – apparently, that’s the whole point – and don’t get me started on popular culture (shakes fist angrily!). What the hell were the Oompa Loompas doing in the SB halftime show!

Adding to my confusion, in today’s topsy turvy world, some men yearn to be women and some women yearn to be men.

I think that covers most of the options.

And while it wouldn’t work for me – it’s tough enough being an embarrassment to my sex, but an embarrassment to my gender? I’m a believer in “It’s your life, live it”.

There are practical benefits to ‘gender hopping’:

Applying for jobs as male and female doubles your hiring odds;

Posting on dating sites as multiple genders may save you from having to ‘self-swipe right’ on Saturday night;

And with all those genders, there have to be clothes in the closet that fit no matter what you weigh.

I totally understand wanting to be something you’re not – I’m Lithuanian, but try to pass as Latvian.

Our neighbor’s poodle is now a bulldog, which makes me wonder what’s going on over there…

And did I mention I was a backup singer in Depeche Mode?  

My advice: Before you hop that hop, know what you’re getting into.

Do men realize what it means to be female, to have female interests?

Will they enjoy leisurely shopping trips? Scrapbooking? Watching the Bachelor?

Their reaction when they ask “Do these black spandex yoga pants make my butt look big?

Or their first spin on high heels? That moment they realize women have been sold a ‘bill of goods’ on makeup.

Will they have the nerve to look inside their own purse?

Do low self esteem days make them misogynist?

Though if they gender hop late enough, they can avoid menopause.

Do women realize what it means to be male, to have male interests?

The constant sports watching, spitting, and groin scratching.

I know women can grill, but can they grill in groups of 6 or more?   

How it affects bunco play, being forced to roll the dice as fast as possible and talk later?

Stopping themselves from sending a thank you note as a thank you for a thank you note? My Captor is in a 7 year thank you note exchange, with no end in sight…

Will they be able to beach walk without learning the other walker’s names, back stories and regular attire.

Would they lose their ability to know “who the baby looks like” at a Sip N See? And quickly move to the other room to ‘watch the game’.

Or be affected by male pattern baldness?

But their toughest challenge?

Will they still have a woman’s ability to solve problems men don’t even know they have?

For 152 more posts like this –each with a wish for better days – go to beersatthenifty.com. Your phone will display every post, and you can waste an hour or two.

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TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENTOF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:

Today is a great day to (re)discover The Kinks, a British band led by the Davies Brothers, Ray and Dave.

Part of the ‘60s British Invasion, they were one of the best bands of that era.

Lola was a big hit in 1970, and was a bit mind bending to 15 year old me.

Lola  The Kinks 

I met her in a club down in old Soho
Where you drink champagne and it tastes just like
Cherry Cola
C-O-L-A Cola
She walked up to me and she asked me to dance
I asked her her name and in a dark brown voice she said, “Lola”
L-O-L-A Lola, lo lo lo lo Lola

Well, I’m not the world’s most physical guy
But when she squeezed me tight she nearly broke my spine
Oh my Lola, lo lo lo lo Lola
Well, I’m not dumb but I can’t understand
Why she walked like a woman but talked like a man
Oh my Lola, lo lo lo lo Lola, lo lo lo lo Lola

Well, we drank champagne and danced all night
Under electric candlelight
She picked me up and sat me on her knee
She said, “Little boy, won’t you come home with me?”
Well, I’m not the world’s most passionate guy
But when I looked in her eyes
Well, I almost fell for my Lola
Lo lo lo lo Lola, lo lo lo lo Lola
Lola, lo lo lo lo Lola, lo lo lo lo Lola

I pushed her away
I walked to the door
I fell to the floor
I got down on my knees
Then I looked at her, and she at me
Well, that’s the way that I want it to stay
And I always want it to be that way for my Lola
Lo lo lo lo Lola
Girls will be boys, and boys will be girls
It’s a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world
Except for Lola
Lo lo lo lo Lola

Well, I’d left home just a week before
And I’d never ever kissed a woman before
But Lola smiled and took me by the hand
She said, “Little boy, gonna make you a man”
Well, I’m not the world’s most masculine man
But I know what I am and I’m glad I’m a man
And so is Lola
Lo lo lo lo Lola, lo lo lo lo Lola

Lola, lo lo lo lo Lola, lo lo lo lo Lola