ANYBODY OUT THERE?

Went to a party last weekend; I was the only one there who didn’t have a podcast.

While I’ve never actually listened to a podcast – though I did get Joe Rogan and Keith Morrison tattoos that oscillate when I flex – I knew if I wanted to fit in, I’d better start one.

I began my research: In 2025, there were 5 million podcasts with more than 50 million episodes. I started by listening to each of them, which took a while.  

Oddly, half of the podcasts were about how to start a podcast, half were about what to do when you have no listeners, and the third half questioned the accuracy of fractions.

The first challenge was choosing how to ‘cast’.

I tried ‘casting’ into an empty Coke can, but heavy reverb – and I accidentally recycled the can; shifted to flag semaphoring, which was confusing but qualified for a government ‘alternative energy source’ subsidy; and moved on to telepathy. The latter failed, because most of the time, even I don’t understand what I’m thinking.

Finally, I began ‘live-screaming’ in my front yard, which worked well.

The next challenge, pod topics.  

My first try was “True, but not interesting”, which allowed me to tell the gripping stories people seem to love at parties – so much so, they call others over to listen, while they “go get another drink”.

Next was “Debunk me? No, debunk you!”, investigating the national sport of debunking: I disagree – – Debunked!   

Which unfortunately describes the fourth half of all podcasts.

So, I tried politics, which seem popular, and non-controversial.

My first ‘pod’ was “Democrats suck”, which half of my listeners agreed with.

My second ‘pod’ was “MAGA sucks”, which half of my listeners agreed with.  

But those who disagreed seemed pretty angry – even those who agreed seemed angry – and threatened removal of my internal organs, which are among my favorite body parts, so next…

“I know you are, but what am I”, which responded to the hateful things that had been said to and about me during my ‘political phase’.

Making my listener even angrier.

So I tried “I know you are, but so am I”, an attempt to build consensus with my listeners, but I was angrily denounced for trying to build consensus.

I pivoted to “What’s up with that guy?”, which examined people you see and think to yourself “What’s up with that guy?”

Like people who walk their dogs in strollers, offer you a bite of something that “tastes terrible”, or who can define a goatee without stroking their chin.

Desperate when it became apparent I was my only listener – My Captor had shut the front door, so she couldn’t hear me out front – I tried ‘casting’ on TikTok. I knew the Chinese Communists were stealing my personal info, but at least someone was paying attention.

But I hit podcast gold with “Why are you so angry?”

Turns out, pretty much everyone is pretty much angry about pretty much everything.

Which pretty much described listener call-ins and comments in a nutshell.

People angried about:

Daylight Savings Time – I won’t wait until November to get my hour back!

The upcoming midterms – I’m not voting for anybody!  

And What’s wrong with me walking my dog in a stroller?  

All the anger made me angry, so I angrily got out of the podcast game.

But if I start again, my first ‘cast’ will be “Aren’t we lucky”? to live in a country where any jackelope can start a podcast and say whatever they want?

ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR WITH THE FOLLOWING ‘AGING HIPSTER MUSIC’:

I normally choose my weekly music selection between 2 and 3 AM on Sunday morning. But there wasn’t a 2AM hour this week, so no music. Another casualty of DST. Sorry.