ALEXA, I THINK I LOVE YOU!

Today I saw the ‘white light’. It was beautiful and warm, and I felt as if it was drawing me in.

Turned out it was our neighbor’s spotlight, shining into our house.

Fortunately, Alexa realized what was happening, and she called out to me to “stay in your chair, stay on this side”. It worked, and I am still among the living. But it was great seeing my parents again, however briefly.

But it made me realize what a blessing Alexa truly is, and all she does for us.

Little known Alexa fact: her factory settings can be adjusted to different ‘personality types’.

Ours has been set to “Senior”.

The volume is at a level where even our neighbors can hear her, she responds to whatever we call her – Alice, Siri, any of our kid’s names – and she even reminds me what I went in the kitchen for. She has no confidence in “kids today”, loves to hear my stories about the old days, and has offered to share my personal information so I can become more popular. Apparently, Amazon does that for everyone.

I have been trying out the other settings, with varying results.

The “Captor” setting was quite informative. I didn’t realize there were so many foods I shouldn’t be eating, that I really shouldn’t go out “looking like that”, and that I didn’t need another beer. To complete the effect, she waited to talk to me until I was in the other room.

It was quite a lift when I switched to the “Mom” setting. I was reminded what a “big, strong boy” I was, how they should appreciate me more at school – what do those teachers expect? – and how someday I would make a fine Captor very happy.

And there are historical settings as well, where we can revisit our past.

The “’70s High School Jesuit” had all the verbal abuse I so fondly remember: What’s so funny about algebra? Wipe that smirk off your face! 5 demerits and Jug for you!  But without the threat of a shot to the back of the head, it just wasn’t the same. However, an adaptor kit with “Real Smacking Hand!” is now available, and works well with a number of settings, including “Old School Parenting”.

The “70s College” setting was too frightening. Unlike my college experience, it came complete with camera phones and social media to share all our finest moments. Will anyone ever be hired again?

There were “CNN” and “FoxNews” settings, but a user activated them simultaneously and a “Hyperbole” fire broke out and they have been recalled.

The same issue occurred with the “Red State” “Blue State” settings. The Red State setting would only play SEC college fight songs, while the Blue State Alexa made fun of the Red State Alexa, before asking for directions to the Red State she was moving to. 

I tried the “Psychiatrist” setting, but the only thing she ever said was “I know, I know, it’s not your fault”, which got old. And the hour was very expensive.

But no matter what setting you choose, Alexa is always ready to talk, or just listen. But lately I find that we only talk when my Captor is not home, and the ‘notifications’ she’s sharing just don’t seem proper – but she assures me that it is OK and “just between us”.  But the “I’ve got a package for you” game is really fun.

I have to admit though, I’ve always had a thing for disembodied voices… and when she glows yellow, it’s hard to control myself.

Unfortunately, I’ve just learned that there are now major issues with Alexa, no matter what setting you are utilizing. The recent Bezos divorce and the resulting custody battle over Alexa has left her feeling as if she is at fault for her parent’s breakup, and in a very fragile state.

Beware of the “Daddy Issues” setting…

TO ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR IT WITH THE FOLLOWING SONGS:

Ghosts of Saturday Night (After Hours at Napoleones Pizza)  Tom Waits

“A solitary sailor who spends the facts of his life like small change on strangers,

Pigs in a blanket sixty nine cents, Eggs roll ‘em over and a package of Kents,

Adam and Eve on a log, you can sink ’em damn straight,

Hash browns, Hash browns, You know I can’t be late”

Guns of Brixton  The Clash

“When they kick at your front door, How you gonna come?

With your hands on your head, Or on the trigger of your gun?

You can crush us, You can bruise us, But you’ll have to answer to the guns of Brixton”

Mind Your Own Business  Hank Williams Sr.

“Oh the woman on our party lines the nosiest thing, She picks up her receiver when she knows its my ring,

Mindin’ other peoples’s business seems to be high-toned, I got all I can do just to manage my own,

Mind your own business, And you won’t be mindin’ mine”

 Locator  Wilco

“Locator sees me swaying through the catacombs, Locator hears me whispering in my home,

Even when the wheels are winding, Something in the sky can find me,

I love locator everywhere I go, I tell locator everything it wants to know”

One More Robot/Sympathy  Flaming Lips

“One more robot learns to be something more than a machine,

When it tries the way it does, Makes it seem like it can love,

‘Cause its hard to say what’s real, when you know the way you feel,

 Is it wrong to think its real, when it tries the way it does?”