February must have small-month-itis (AKA Little Month Syndrome or Napoleon Calendar Complex), because it feels like January is bullying him.
I’m sure he feels ‘special’ – his mother’s word – because he only has 28 days. And 29 every 4 years! His mother reminding him frequently, soothingly: “Oh son, you’re my big strong, special month!”
But it’s a tough, small month:
The beginning of Lent can’t feel good, watching the world ‘give things up’, everyone briefly reliving the futility of New Years Resolutions.
The only month without a ‘real’ holiday – March with St. Patrick’s Day, every other month with a federal day off, or a National Bullshit holiday. Though it does have President Trump Day, and Valentines Day, which I’m sure his mother wheedled out of the feds making her little boy “feel better.”
And this year, arriving with crappy weather, February 1st being billed as ‘The coldest day of the year’. And beach weather nowhere in the near future.
I always looked forward to February as ‘Not-January’, a chance for sunshine, days to lengthen – and beer! for those who’ve survived Dry January. We’d count down the remaining days in January, knowing redemption was just ahead in February.
But it feels like January is imposing it’s will on February – taking its’ lunch money as it were – perhaps in retribution for taking the Super Bowl – or for all the ugly thoughts we harbor about January.
Apparently though, months bullying months not that unusual.
Imagine a ‘Calendar Cabinet meeting’: July and December sitting on either side of Caesar, the ‘Namer of Months’. As well as surgeries, salads, and oddly, the official cocktail of Canada – the guy was busy.
They there by virtue of having 31 days, with July the namesake of Julius Caesar, celebrating the birth of the US, and soon the semiquincenTRUMPial – December with Christmas, the Happiest Time of Year!
Flanking them would be April and October, both with glorious weather, and Easter and Halloween – the spookiest time of year! Caesar docking April a day for the year his vacation was ruined by rainy spring weather. October with additional notoriety for the World Series – Caesar an Indians fan, but someone has to be, I guess.
In line next are November and March, the former for Thanksgiving – Caesar a notorious stuffing man – the latter for St. Patrick’s Day, with Caesar’s greatest mistake, the mandating of green beer, for which he was labeled an Autocratic Nazi.
Next would be May and June, but they could never be trusted to sit near each other, so May and August. May with Mother’s and Memorial Day, August with National Watermelon Day, Left Handers Day, and Woman Astronomers Day, and Caesar’s mistresses’ birthday.
June and September follow, June’s Father’s Day strategically placed after Mother’s Day – but street protests undoing the green beer thing, so an ICE-y IPA now available – great for Flag Day too; September with Labor and Acne Positivity Days, Caesar a notorious sufferer of Adult Acne. But he supported by the Roman labor unions, so “Take a Day Off!”
Which leaves January and February. Perhaps explaining January’s treatment of its neighbor, essentially having to sit at the ‘kid’s table’, while the other months get an extra serving of stuffing.
While a bully, consider January’s situation: It bullied by December, which is the ‘happiest and coolest’ month of them all, with a big celebration to end the year. Turning it over to January, with it’s resolutions, dry-ness, and coldness – with only February to take it out on.
So, I’ll leave you with my mother’s advice: Quit hitting your brother!
And count the days until March.
ENHANCE YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS POST, PAIR WITH THE FOLLOWING ‘AGING HIPSTER MUSIC’:
The Ratboy’s new CD ‘Singin’ to an empty chair’ due out this Friday. Cool.